I do not generally like animated media. Even as a child, I was anti-cartoon. I have never watched any of those adult animation things. I think those things are for freaks. Bob’s Burgers, BoJack Horseman, Family Guy. Weirrrrddd. I prefer things with actual people. That said, if I am going to watch something animated it is going to be a classic film from my childhood. So I recently rewatched Shrek. And here are my thoughts.
Shrek, a 2001 film featuring a large green “ogre,”1 gets off to a slow and fairly confusing start. Roughly 4 minutes into the movie, we see an auction of sorts. They are auctioning off toys and donkeys. That feels like a strange combination. Who do they plan to sell these things to? Lord Farquaad has a need for a Pinocchio doll? Is that need sexual? I can’t imagine another use...
Donkey promptly claims he will make waffles after he and Shrek have a sleepover. How the hell is that animal going to cook? He has hooves for hands.
We don’t get to see this waffle making experiment, because halfway through the evening Shrek inexplicably goes on a journey to find Lord Farquaad. Shrek, a being who has made a life alone in a swamp is suddenly interested in royalty? I understand his home was raided by wolves (terrifying), but why does he not simply eat all of the intruders? Shrek dumbly decides to walk into this huge arena and has a bunch of armored men attack him. It is difficult to feel bad for Shrek in this situation, as he walks in on his own accord.
We are introduced to Fiona (the world’s best name) as being a “fiery red head.” They are promptly establishing her sex appeal, which does wonders for the audience. We learn this film will have a romance plot, despite us not yet fully meeting our paramour. The question writ large, at this point in the film, is who will be Fiona’s suitor? We are yet to meet a likable male, sans donkey.
When we meet Fiona, she is frustrating. She has lived alone atop a castle for many years and she is annoyed that Shrek is saving her. I don’t care how disappointing he is physically, you have literally spoken to no one in ages. Beggars cannot be choosers, Jesus Christ. “You didn’t slay the dragon???” Dude, you just got freed from captivity and your first thought is to be mad that a dragon is still alive?
As soon as Fiona is officially saved, she becomes more appreciative. And Shrek returns to the role of antagonist. Fiona offers to kiss him and he says no. Dude, you are an ogre.
Once they stop to make camp, we get to see some touching introspection from Shrek. He doesn’t believe he deserves love. It’s sad. On their walk, she burps. And it’s incredibly endearing. They are both ungracious. Sparks flying!!
But then instead of building up any romance, we meet the “robbers” in the woods. Why the fuck are their robbers in the woods? And why the fuck are they putting on a fucking musical performance? Much like the auctioneers we met early in the movie, the actual people in this movie (sans Fiona and Lord Farquaad) are absolutely bizarre.
As Fiona removes an arrow from Shrek’s ass, we get our first taste of intimacy. And damn, it’s kinda spicy. The viewer is provided with a sense of what it would be like if the two of them were together. They seem.. compatible? They have a romantic dinner of “weedrat” which appears to just be fried rats. Unclear where the “weed” comes from. Neither lover seems like they have experimented with marijuana.
When sun sets, we learn Fiona becomes an ogre at night. Convenient. Really fucking convenient. People do not just become ogres. Truthfully, ogres do not even exist. “A witch cast a spell on me.” Up until this point in the movie, we did not even know witches existed in this universe. Lunacy. The film loses almost all credibility at this point in time.
When Lord Farquaad arrives, we get a sense of what her life would be like with the other man. So much worse! Shrek, go after her! The audience’s heart is breaking in real time.
Hallelujah starts playing2 setting the tone for Shrek’s misery. You see, Shrek feels as if he is being cheated on. The woman he loves (and feels in his heart loves him too) is with another man. Absolutely crushing.
Somewhat suddenly, Shrek objects to the wedding. And it goes great for him. It’s not very romantic, honestly. She becomes an ogre in real time. The dragon does some shit. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Everyone goes happy. Touching, not so much.
I may have sounded critical, but it’s a good movie. It has nothing on Shrek 2, but it’s worth a watch.
Lingering questions:
How tall do we think Shrek is? He doesn’t really appear that big but he is larger than everyone else. 7 feet maybe? and everyone else is just really short? 10 feet?
They call him an ogre but he doesn’t eat any people.
If Shrek so mean, why does he not simply eat donkey at the beginning? Donkey is being so annoying (in an endearing to the audience kind of way).
Of the week:
Song of the week: “Love You For A Long Time” — Maggie Rogers. I am at the beach this week, loving life, and this is my ultimate “loving life song.” Just relaxing, drinking a bay breeze, bopping my head around to one of Maggie Rogers’ best tunes. Somewhat remarkable I have not given her a song of the week until now. But here we are. So either go to the beach and toss this song on or go for a nice drive with your windows down and let your hair blow in the wind with this banger banging. You won’t regret it.
Revivals of the week: Friday night I learned that my favorite TV show of all time (Dexter) was having ANOTHER spinoff show and my favorite band of all time (The Fray) was going to be touring again for the first time in like 10 years AND releasing a new album. Giddy Sunday evenings of me fist bumping at my television await me. A tearful concert in late September as I belt out “How to Save a Life” is en route and I can TASTE IT! So much to look forward to!
Text of the week:
Waffled on text of the week this week because the text breaks 2 of my main rules. 1) I don’t take submissions and 2) I am trying not to talk about politics that much in my newsletter. But the text sender (my friend’s mother) certainly was not trying to earn text of the week honors and also the political part of the text is not why it earns text of the week honors.
I love the idea of being a person that people “seed messages with” to “get them to the right people.” That would be fucking awesome. It doesn’t have to be political. Want to go on a submarine? Perhaps I can find some mermaids to take you to the deep sea. Want to get your drug in front of doctors? Allow Pat to work his magic. Have a hot piece of gossip about your EX that you want to embarrass him with? Give it to Pat and he’ll get it to the right people. THE DREAM!
Definition: (in folklore) a man-eating giant.
This was one of my favorite songs as a child. I had the Shrek 2 soundtrack, which fucking slapped, but this jam became one of my favorite songs after watching Shrek 1. Shrek heavily influence my music taste as a young boy.